WHY MEN CAN NEVER WIN

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.. If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist. If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself. If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are over-sexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Product Labels

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. Only for a sandstorm?

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. Aren't they supposed to be in front?

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. How do I pour it out then?

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.Real smart.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.Kinda speaks for itself doesn't it?

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.Are you sure?

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.Yes, use it while you're swimming.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. You wonder why there are shoplifters..

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. How do you use regular soap?

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. Uh oh, too late!

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.Are you sure? Let's experiment.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. Too late, they're already in!

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. Aww.. I wanted to use them to decorate the tree in outer space.

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. I'm curious..

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. Really? Peanuts contain nuts?

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. I'm glad they cleared that up.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. Right.

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. You just destroyed a universal childhood fantasy.

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. You mean I wasn't supposed to grill this?

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.To think of all the sharing lessons we learnt in school..

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. ...

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. Woah, that's new.