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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

(909): I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it

(509): she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.

(604): i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.

(405): I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!

(407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

(225): finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day

(717): Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm

(604): Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.

(903): I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.(214): It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

(604): just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.

(801): so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

(917): She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?(646): Lmao what?(917): It's a yes or no question.

(817): Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

(262): Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.

(516): I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before

(740): he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?

(518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

(540): Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!(434): Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.

(337): if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?(1-337): 4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds(337): mom cant say that college never taught us math

(434): question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.

(559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

(215): She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.

(587): His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
(780): You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
(587): She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

(650): just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero.

(301): people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.

(512): boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

(603): Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.

(614): if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?(1-614): i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

(937): What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.

(404): I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today

(305): She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.

(702): the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!

(407): I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

(801): I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.

LMFAO

(12:26 AM) Dancing with all the stars aboveYYY