My blog. My world. My rules. Now get on your knees.

Friday, September 18, 2009

(925): 2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

(503): like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be

(978): why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"

(571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
(703): this can't be going anywhere good
(571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

(818): I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
(310): wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
(818): why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

(347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

(562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

(831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

(973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
(1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming

(315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

(504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

(425): i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

(214): She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

(905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

(248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

(919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

(703): I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

(413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

(619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
(716): do you not see the irony in that??

(469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

(562): Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

(203): You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

(917): Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

717): You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS

(250): Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
(1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

(661): Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
(831): Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

(515): I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

(314): I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

(480): I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!

(435): Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

(801): If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

(617): My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

(815): There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.

(805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

(734): turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

(802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
(1-802): actually, i try not to think about it
(802): and i pooped them out

(757): he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.

(610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

(717): he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off

305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
(615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

(480): You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

LMFAO

Anyway going to jog soon.. Lmao these people are too funny for words.

(1:47 PM) Dancing with all the stars aboveYYY