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Sunday, December 20, 2009

(303): I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.

(636): Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

(604): Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.

(678): Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.

(512): everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf

(517): dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

(843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

(719): Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.

(609): imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive

(614): Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.

(530): My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.

(850): Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.

(713): He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

(703): something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...

(201): As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

(919): Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?

(619): Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?

(724): how do flat chested girls get laid?

(607): I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

(443): The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

(304): he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

(870): i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.

(614): My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.

(843): Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.

(702): i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

(732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

(917): she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

(937): i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.

(978): Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?

(520): woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes

(6:00 AM) Dancing with all the stars aboveYYY