Sunday, February 28, 2010
122 lbs. Let's see, 12 pounds in 3 months =s
Saturday, February 27, 2010
twenty-two.
i will break. if you come near me,
i will break.
should i want to stay strong
one.
love is friendship set on fire.
two.
youre saying that its over, & we cant be together,
but i really need you around.
three.
saying goodbye is the hardest thing to say to someone who means the world to you,
especially when goodbye isn't what you want.
four.
in that moment, i felt my heart break. & i thought, "i can't live without you. i don't want to live without you,"
& then it slowly crept into my mind that no matter how bad i wanted or needed you, it wouldn't matter.
five.
the next time you look back, i think you should look again.
six.
i don't mind it, i don't mind it all. it's like you're the swing set, & i'm the kid that falls. it's like the way we fight, the times i have cried, we come to blows & every night - that passion's there, so its got to be right.
seven.
now i don't like using words like forever, but i will love you until the end of today. & in the morning, when i remember everything that you are, i know i'll fall for you over again.
eight.
be strong now because things will get better. it might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.
nine.
as long as you're happy, then i am too; but i'm not afraid to admit that a part of me died when you told her "i love you."
ten.
it was doomed from the start, should have trusted my heart.
eleven.
& you still mean everything to her.
you're just not worth the fight to her anymore.
twelve.
i still want to be the one to prove that love does last forever.
thirteen.
no one ever gets tired of loving. but
everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming,
hearing lies, saying sorry and hurting.
fourteen.
you were a risk, a giant risk you
reminded me exactly why i don't take risks.
fifteen.
after all; computers crash,
people die, relationships
fall apart. the best we can do is breathe and reboot.
sixteen.
i was in love a million times.
first when I met him and the rest,
was when every time I look at him.
seventeen.
"Goodfuckingluck," i wanted to say. "trying to find someone who cares like i do. who understands like i do. who is forgiving like i am. who will get your every quirk & positively adore it like i do. & when you realize that that's not out there, goodfuckingluck finding me where you left me."
eighteen.
sometimes it’s hard to see the lines we’ve drawn until we’ve crossed them. that’s when we rely on the ones we love to pull us back & give us something to hold on to. then there are the clearly marked lines. the ones that if you dare cross, you may never find your way back.
nineteen.
i'm not going to pretend that i know everything or even that i know exactly how i feel. everything in my mind tells me to run like hell from you, but everything in my body can't stay away from you.
& i've learned to trust that. that's how it is with you, i can't stay away from you, even though that would probably be the best for me.
& i don't know if that's love or not, but it seems like it to me.
twenty.
this is love, isn’t it? when you notice someone’s absence & hate that absence more than anything? more, even, than you love his presence?
twenty-one.
& i love him, god, how i love him. it near enough killed me. it's so passionate, so intense, so painful, that even years afterward you still feel the hurt when you hear their name.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Today:
LAST EXAM - SF4 - fish and co., mushroom salad, shared small piece of ny fish, 10 fries, 2 tbsps rice - L4D2 - The Wolfman - dinner of wanton mee soup, veg, half cup of noodles?, charsiew, wanton, chicken liver(so weird I know) - L4D2 (yes, again) - walked around a bit - home - fruit bowl, half a 4-inch pita pizza, crackers
Intake: 1500-1600 cals.
Outtake: None I guess. Unless you count walking around, which I don't.
BLAH. Could have been worse, only wasn't because of TDH. Need and love you.
I think I need to make plans. It works better that way, I don't know why.
Oh oh oh, EXAMS ARE OVER! I feel like going out tomorrow but no one's free to go out with me =( I want to GO OUT.
Tomorrow's plan:
Half an apple, depending on the size - ballet - tan - (nfi what to do honestly) - maybe go for a walk, book the stadium for sunday - dinner - tv, comp, read, nfi, a walk? lol - sleeeeeeeeeeep
Quick ass post.
Today:
Woke up - went for a walk - stretched - shower - met babe - Jap for lunch, soup udon with chicken and veg, sashimi (=]) - went to Starbucks at Holland V to study - double espresso - study - stole a bit of java chip - studied - study - study - went from sitting outside to inside - study - study went home to get textbook - SF4 at J8 - dinner at Ajisen, 1 maki, 1/3-1/2 the noodles, veg, soup, pork, egg, metabolism boosting green tea - back to Holland V - study - study - study - back home - study - /brainexplode - read mag - bowl of grapes - blog - text babe soon - SLEEP
Intake: 1100 cals.
Outtake: Maybe 200?
Finished FMGT in 1 day. I love you babe. Can't believe we studied all the way lol. (The SF4 doesn't count of course.)
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE EXAM TO BE OVER TOMORROW. OKAY NIGHT.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Alright, what else can I say. I feel so defeated each time it happens but yet, I still give in to it. I try to think "You should stop right now", or I'll try to remember how guilty and stupid I felt even last time but IT DOESN'T HELP. WHAT CAN I DO. WHAT? Shame? Okay fine I'll shame myself. Ugh I'm so sick of this shit. Sick doesn't even begin to describe it. I can't identify the triggers, and don't know how to stop it. Fuck's sake.
On a (slightly) brighter note, I met Daryl today. (I had to use slightly because.. well if I don't.. TDH will QQ. Less QQ more PIUPIU please.) He is really really nice, not my type at all though LOL. No new eye candy. Ah well. (Brenda is blind okay.)
Plan for tomorrow: wake up - go for a walk - stretch - shower - meet TDH - light lunch PLEASE, I'm begging myself - study - study - study - no snacking unless I'm hungry - study - study - study - study ass off - EITHER go home for dinner - nothing after dinner OR light dinner with TDH - study - study - study - sleep
Studying 12 topics in one day, go us. I love you babe.
Exam - salted egg yolk prawns, curry fishhead and mantou - met Daryl, SF4 - did some, um, stuff -napped - cooked some dinner - tomato soup, half a pita, fruit bowl, crackers, chocolate - walk later probably - talk to TDH - sleep
Intake: About 1700 cals.
Outtake: WALK. Even I'm feeling lazy now but I'm going to make myself go.
Lowest point ever. You told me I turned you on and all I could think of was "You're lying."
I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT FOR EXAMS TO BE OVER.
Sentosa coming soon. CDCDCDCDCDCDCDCD and will definitely update in and outtakes.
Love you babe.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG I just watched Twilight on Star Movies!
OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!
You know how I said it was the crappiest thing ever? But I never watched it or read it, just hearing the storyline from word of mouth. So I thought "Wow that sounds really stupid." But now having watched it, I have to say...................................
Oh my god it's the stupidest, crappiest piece of shit, sorriest excuse for a storyline I have ever heard of/watched. The WHOLE movie is them either staring intensely at each other or purposely trying not ot look at each other while the camera revolves around them. Oh, and they can't act to save their lives.
And I can never look at Edward Cullen the same way again. I found him ugly enough, but to see him SPARKLE is just.beyond.words.puke.gross.dies. bleeaaaaaaaaagh.fuck.gross.fuck.un-erasable.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
(9:17 PM) Dancing with all the stars aboveYYY
I promise I'm going to be updating my intakes and outtakes from tomorrow onwards! At least until Sentosa =]
Sunday, February 14, 2010
So here's a text conversation between me and Jeff yesterday:
J: Omg.. 3008!
S: Zomg.. 4210?!
J: 4D you ass!
S: I KNOW FUCKTARD that's the other number I bought!
Laughter ensues.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Wow okay, so I've been eating like crazy these few days, because the FOOD WAS TOO GOOD. Back in the days, I'd have probably loathed myself and think of what a fat ass I was. No more, no "disease" is stronger than I am. No way.
Tomorrow it's back to eating healthier! And less too, forgot about my resolutions to eat mindfully and slowly. As I promised TDH anyway, no more chips till Sentosa, and I'm not going to let something like this defeat me and make me break a promise to my man.
But about the food.. Valentino's is AWESOME. I LOVE THAT RESTAURANT I LOVE THAT RESTAURANT I LOVE THAT RESTAURANT I LOVE THAT RESTAURANT. Plus the chef's cute haha. No more fancy eating for a while, it's all about healthy. Besides, it didn't feel very comfortable going to sleep with a full stomach.
Speaking of sleep.. ugh I can't. Just tossing and turning in bed and just can't seem to get comfortable.
Now, I just need to remind myself because sometimes you just can't get a better perspective at a time where you need it most.1) Exercise is not a chore. Think of it as time for yourself. For one hour a day, it's all about you. No worrying about studying, relatives, relationship problems, parents, etc. Just that that 1 hour to renew yourself, to shape yourself into a better person physically and mentally.
2) Can't stress this enough, EAT SLOWER. Honestly though, I eat like a guy, shovelling food in my mouth. Whe you eat slower, you know when you're actually satisfied and not eat till you're too full.
3) Order 1 less dish than you normally would. This works WONDERS for both TDH and I, because we always get waaaay too much food. Ordering less also equals cheaper bill.
I actually could not finish a salad and soup I ordered at Thai Express back when I was eating less. Hence. "Hence".
4) You don't have to finish the food on your plate, and before you go on about the starving children in Africa, yadda yadda yadda, wouldn't non-eaten food have a higher chance of ending up on their plate? Yes but that wouldn't happen too so stfu. This is really difficult for me because I tend to finish everything on my plate, hence (again with the hence) no. 3. "Hence".
5) No chips till Sentosa! What I wish to type out now is "I can do this, because I will not let something bad I let grow inside conquer me.", but I can't because.. it's difficult. I don't expect anyone to understand because I don't think you all have this problem, but yes, this will be terrifying. I need to lean on you more than ever babe, I know you'll be there for me =]
So I can't remember all of that all the time, but it's a start =] Time to go back to healthier eating habits, at least for a while.
Postscript: NIGHTMARE. I either can't sleep or have a nightmare while doing it. Dream I had to be civil to Y-K-W! Whoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Alright that is all.
(10:08 PM) Dancing with all the stars aboveYYY
Friday, February 12, 2010
Lol so much for today's plans! Was going to go for a walk before the afternoon sun set in, then tan, shower, study, dinner, chill. Now it's turning into eat - tv - tv - tv - tv - comp - Sims 3? (omgomgOMGZOMGZZZZZZZZOMG expansion paaaaaaaaacks!) - (maybe) tan - (maybe) walk - dinner - (maybe) study.
This is the first time I've ever felt too lazy to do anything! Time to get off my ass and do something.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
If you had a friend who talked to you like you sometimes talk to yourself, would you continue to hang around with that person?
I don't know honestly.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life, and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see.""Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its
rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity; boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile - its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water; the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy!!
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
No problem doing what I said in my previous post, not going to be able to eat anything except drink tonnes of water for the next few days. Hallelujah. ~sarcasm
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Had dinner at Jumbo today, great seafood! Hope you enjoyed yourself babe =]
Have to stop having good dinners! Good dinners = calorific.
One day down, got a hold of my problem today. It takes A LOT to say no. Today is good, let's hope the same for tomorrow.
Monday, February 8, 2010
GREAT dinner. 4 cheese pizza, porterhouse steak, sausage platter and calamari. And Chenin Blanc, was great with the sausages.
GREAT DINNER THANKS YOU VERY MUCH BABE.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I AM STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. AM STOKED. AM STOKED. AM STOKED. I AM STOKED. AM STOKED. STOKED! STOKED! RAING TO GO. VERY STOKED. AM STOKED. AM STOKED. AM STOKED. LIKE A FIRE. AM STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I AM STOKED. I AM STOKED. STOKED LIKE A FUCKING FIRE. I'M STOKED. STOKED. STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I'M STOKED. I AM STOKED CAN'T FREAKING EMPHASIZE HOW STOKED I AM I'M STOKED I'M STOKED I'M STOKED I'M STOKED I'M STOKED I'M STOKED I'M STOKED. ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Did I mention I'm stoked?
P.S. It's not a typo for stoned.
Short post!
1 apple - ballet - tan - 1 peach - WoW - dinner of clams, veg, steamed fish, no rice - after dinner walk - cook for babe - ate with him, sweet potato wedges, ribs and veg - SF4 - tv
Intake: About 1000 cals
Outtake : Ballet + slightly more than 40 min walk, 25 mins for one round.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Today was a fucking bad day.I realised that it doesn't matter how many days you've gone without succumbing to your old habits, it's always a new day. It starts every day. You battle it every day. Relinquishing control for one day DOES NOT MATTER for tomorrow, the day after or ANY OTHER DAY. I just wish I learnt/realised this sooner. Having that feeling of guilt when you know you did something wrong, it disappears the VERY NEXT DAY. Or maybe just last for a few hours. Why didn't I realise it sooner? Why the fuck did I even have to have this problem in the first place?!
Sometimes I just want to scream out! Fuck this shit.And I'm so sorry I failed you babe, I really am. I feel like I failed not only myself, but I disappointed you too. If I could only just show you the emotion through these fucking pixels, I would. Yes there are tears in my eyes, but I'm not going to let this.. problem get the better of me, not for the next few days at least. You won't see these tears, the result of me feeling so defeated, ever, and that's a promise. I've never broken a promise and this is one I especially won't allow myself to.I am so sorry. I wish I could show you how sorry I am through the screen but I can't. I am so sorry for letting you down.Anyway, I need a plan. I'm a little apprehensive about staying home tomorrow night because of well, the whole problem thing. And I can't just go out for dinner because of well, my dad. Ugh.
Tomorrow:
1 apple - ballet - swim/tan - random heroic/chun-li combos on youtube - dinner - after dinner walk - shower - cook for and watch tv with babe - study maybe - sleep
(9:57 PM) Dancing with all the stars aboveYYY
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Sleep - went out - Kenny Roger's quarter chicken w/o skin, potato salad, 1 corn muffin, veg - SF4 - walked around - home - dinner, omelette, veg, squid, fried fish, salted egg, no rice - 2 peaches - after dinner walk - going to study (hopefully!)
Intake: I have no idea, Kenny Roger's difficult. Guessing about 1200-1300 cals.
Outtake: Walk + jog 40 mins, 22 mins for 1 round. Shaved off 2 mins!
Plan for tomorrow:
School - lunch - wanna play SF! (no gym please heh) - swim and tan - dinner - after dinner walk - study (HOPEFULLY)
I ate slower yesterday at Crystal Jade, and tried to even though I was hungry (didn't have anything till 2pm!) at Kenny Rogers =] One day at a time.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Fast post!
Crystal Jade dim sum: 1 piece of carrot cake, some chee cheong fun, siew mai, har gow, pork ribs, a bit of everything - thai express: tom yum soup with sliced fish, mango salad, actually couldn't finish it. - BALLET
Intake: 600 cals? Somewhere there.
Outtake: 1.5 hours of ballet. Too hungry to dance right though lol.
Might get some fruit later.
EBA IS FINALLY OVER! SCREW YOU YOU USELESS DATABASE CRAP!
And I miss TDH =( And omg he cut his hair today! And I showed him exactly how much I liked it =P
EDIT: Had fruit, add about 150 cals to the intake!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I'm becoming those kind of air-headed bimbos who watch E!, specifically, Giuliana & Bill. I don't even know why I'm watching it lol.
Yesterday was babe's birthday, we went to The Cliff again.
We had a dozen oysters, was about $100 for the oysters alone hahaha, but was worth it not because it was good, but because it was what we had the last time. Then,
he had:
-Pan fried foie gras with caramelised oranges, breadcrumbs. Best ever, and it must be because this is the only foie gras I actually like. Delicious.
-Wagyu beef with bone marrow emulsion and au jus, banana shallots and cheese risotto topped with shaved cheese. It's the fattiest piece of meat ever, and it was delicious.
-Complimentary sponge and mousse cake because it was his birthday =]
I had:
-Their 'interpretation' of bouillabasse, with alaskan king crab, langoustine, croutons, mussels, reduced seafood stock(with tomatoes I suspect) cream, and chorizo puree. The crab was. awe.some.
-Lobster fettucine, chardonnay poached and had chunks of meat, unlike those pastas outside where it's pretty much 97% pasta and 2 or 3 pieces of ingredients. Their serving size is too big though, which is a surprising comment for restaurants like that.
Was perfect, right down to the big bug that landed on my brave boy's(oops, man, he's 20 already. although, why can't he act it?!) hand, and the disgusting "tea-infused", lube-smelling, lube-tasting complimentary gummies they gave to us. I actually couldn't swallow it and spit it out in serviettes.
In any case, hope you had a great dinner babe, woo~
Anyway on to another topic, resolutions! Who says you can only make them at the start of a new year? Pssh.
1) Go for a 15 minute power walk after dinner, unless it's raining or I have a major project. Even then, think through whether you can spare just 15 minutes walking around. It's only 15 minutes!
2) Eat slower. I eat way too fast, I practically shovel food in my mouth. Need to learn how to eat slower! Two words: EAT.SLOWER.
3) Think before you eat. Are you hungry or do you want it? If you want it, when was the last time you indulged? If it was yesterday, you know the answer. If you know you're going to have a big dinner, have a smaller lunch and breakfast. If you have a big lunch, eat less at dinner. Those chips in front of you won't become extinct tomorrow, and you can always have it tomorrow or the day after. Waiting one day won't kill you. Are you really craving that cuttlefish side in Ajisen? Are you really missing that 1 less mantou when having chili crab?
Only 3, but can't think of anything else now, so when I do I'll just add on to it.
OHAI, it's just what I'm doing and I'm just another teenage girl (well, until 14th Nov anyway), so stop the eye rolling.
Okay I just thought of the 4th one!
4) Try to come off as friendly to new people! Sigh fucks sake why do people assume I a bitch when they first meet me? Why is it they can't wrap their brain around the fact that I may actually be SHY?! I'M SHY, NOT (that) BITCHY.
4 resolutions!
I did great on my previous plan, as reflected on my previous posts hehe. I love doing that, but my motivation was to look hot in my purple dress for my man's birthday. Now that it's over, I need a new one! It can't be something random like thinking how good it'll be after losing 5 pounds, or looking better in school, outside, etc.. I need something specific to work towards, like aiming for TDH's birthday! Someone, anyone, please ANY suggestions at all! Tag me, text me, whatever. Need a new motivation, thinking that it's healthy, that I'll look better in the future is too random and it doesn't work as well. HELP.
